Reviews For Silent Night

Kristy reviewed Silent Night on Dec 24, 2013 05:14 PM [Report This]

I like the beginning of this story! Though I'd like to mention that some of your sentences seem to be a bit of a run-on; you might want to invest in some commas, semi-colons, hyphens, the whole bunch! (But I think Annie beat me to the punch, so yeah- she's the one you would want to refer to!)

And the name Meisa is so interesting! I'm glad that Mike actually has a place to be, and BOOOOO to his girlfriend, Melissa. Meisa is so much better, on so many different levels, too. But I do think that the kiss was a little out of place- come on guys, Mike's still technically taken! :P But whatever, I bet they'll break before the end of the story (in which I will cackle like a maniac).

AND OH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT JUST MY SUPERNATURAL PREMONITIONS WORKING HERE. :D Yeah, I do feel a bit bad for Melissa, but she can't be all that bright, right? To give up on Mike *effing* He, that has to be a bit of a dumb move. But HEY! it's for the plot, and I'm not complaining. Since Meisa and Mike are so much cuter!!
Author's Response: I'm kind of bad... but I'm not going to learn the comma, semi-colon and hyphen rules in English. They're too hard for me to bother using a lot of time on them right now. Learning the comma rules in my own language is time consuming enough. So the commas of my stories will suck... Sorry about that. I would say it wasn't the best of them to kiss then too, so they could have handled that a bit better. But thank you for reviewing, Kristy ^^

Blossy reviewed Silent Night on Dec 24, 2013 03:53 PM [Report This]

Wow I felt sad for Meisa at first, liking a guy who was taken. And then when they had that one-night stand, I was wondering shit what's going to happen? Will he be the bigger guy and break up with his girlfriend.
I'm so glad they ended up together^^ Great story!
Author's Response: I was contemplating between making Mike a jerk and then having an unhappy ending or making it cliche and having a happy ending but then I just reckoned that since it's for Christmas it should be happy. Thank you for reviewing. I hope you liked it!

Dreamy Luna reviewed Silent Night on Dec 23, 2013 09:38 PM [Report This]

Wow, I totally loved your story. Not only because I love Mike He (Of course I would have loved it as much if Mike He wasn't in it but you know, Mike He was a big bonus lol), but I loved the way you wrote it. The flow was smooth. Very good characterization. Very good balance of narrative and dialogue. Very good balance of showing and telling! (I'm impressed!) Your spelling, grammar and verb tenses were great! I love your writing style so please keep up the good work! ^_^ Thumbs up and kudos to you! I'm glad it was a happy ending for Meisa. For a second, I thought Mike would be a jerk. XD

If you don't mind, I'd like to point out a few errors I noticed. I'm going to correct them for you since you can't edit your story until the reveal day (Dec 26th). =)

1. Their hands touched for a moment and felt blood rising to her cheeks. = Their hands touched for a moment and she felt blood rising to her cheeks.

2. Seeing her reflection on the partly frosted window and whispered to it. = Seeing her reflection on the partly frosted window, she whispered to it.

3. For many sentences, I thought the comma was needed because I ran out of breath.

Please see rules #9 and #10 here: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp.

Sentences:

Thinking he was doing her a gracious favor he had insisted she’d go home and “spend the most wonderful time of the year doing something important”. = Thinking he was doing her a gracious favor, (comma here) he had insisted she’d go home and “spend the most wonderful time of the year doing something important”.

Despite her original plans falling to pieces she had adapted to the situation and had decided to just get comfy at home by watching movies. = Despite her original plans falling to pieces, (comma here) she had adapted to the situation and had decided to just get comfy at home by watching movies.

As she was about to grab her big tea cup from the cabinet someone banged on the door. = As she was about to grab her big tea cup from the cabinet, (comma here) someone banged on the door.

“But you must be freezing! I just made tea for myself would you like some?” = “But you must be freezing! I just made tea for myself, (comma here) would you like some?”

The voice came from somewhere inside the room and tossing scattered clothes away he finally found it in the pocket of his jeans by the bedroom door. = The voice came from somewhere inside the room and tossing scattered clothes away, (comma here) he finally found it in the pocket of his jeans by the bedroom door.

For a moment she imagined her mother travelling there to surprise her despite her earlier resistance but then remembered that she had spoken to her that morning so there was no way she would’ve made it there in that period of time. Being a bit weary of the situation she grabbed her woolen cardigan over her red flannel pajamas. = For a moment, (comma here) she imagined her mother travelling there to surprise her despite her earlier resistance, (comma here) but then remembered that she had spoken to her that morning, (comma here) so there was no way she would’ve made it there in that period of time. Being a bit weary of the situation, (comma here) she grabbed her woolen cardigan over her red flannel pajamas.

After what seemed like forever the credits came on the screen. = After what seemed like forever, (comma here) the credits came on the screen.

After pouring the glass full she handed it to him. = After pouring the glass full, (comma here) she handed it to him.

Looking at the Christmas decorations on the streets she remembered what day it was. = Looking at the Christmas decorations on the streets, (comma here) she remembered what day it was.

When she heard him zipping his pants she dared to face him again. = When she heard him zipping his pants, (comma here) she dared to face him again.

After she was ready to leave the sanctity of her bathroom she got dressed [...] = After she was ready to leave the sanctity of her bathroom, (comma here) she got dressed [...]

When it was 3 pm she knew she had to call her mother. = When it was 3 pm, (comma here) she knew she had to call her mother.

After the phone call ended she cried a little letting out some of the frustration and shame inside her and feeling sorry for herself. = After the phone call ended, (comma here) she cried a little letting out some of the frustration and shame inside her and feeling sorry for herself.

When she finally got to him and tried to let him know she was leaving early he wouldn’t have it. = When she finally got to him and tried to let him know she was leaving early, (comma here) he wouldn’t have it.


4. Here are some tips:
4.1 (Check. You're doing a great job!) Every time you switch to a different speaker, start a new paragraph.
4.2 (I suggest you to improve this.) Each speaker’s actual words and any actions and attribution associated with those words form a single paragraph.
4.3 (Check. You're doing a great job!) Even if the speaker says only one word, with no accompanying attribution or action, it is a separate paragraph.
4.4 (Check. You're doing a great job!) Start a new paragraph when you draw the reader’s attention to a different character, even if that character doesn’t actually speak.

Excerpt 1:

He looked disheveled and out of it. He was covered in snow looking like he was in the process of turning into a snowman and he sounded out of breath when he spoke:

“I’m sorry to bother you like this, especially on Christmas. I- I don’t know. Melissa and I had a fight. Some things were said and I stormed out and I didn’t know where to go. None of my friends were home but then you came to mind and I thought maybe, just maybe, you’d be here--“

Suggestion for Excerpt 1:

He looked disheveled and out of it. He was covered in snow looking like he was in the process of turning into a snowman and he sounded out of breath when he spoke: “I’m sorry to bother you like this, especially on Christmas. I- I don’t know. Melissa and I had a fight. Some things were said and I stormed out and I didn’t know where to go. None of my friends were home but then you came to mind and I thought maybe, just maybe, you’d be here--“

Explanation: Each speaker’s actual words and any actions and attribution associated with those words form a single paragraph.


Excerpt 2:

She realized it might've seemed like she had planned to get intimate with someone. Well, she sort of had but just with herself. So she shook her head and smiled:

“It’s fine. I was supposed to work today but plans changed at the last minute so I wasn’t doing anything special anyways, just watching a movie…” she realized she was babbling and stopped herself from going any further. She then examined his appearance again and exclaimed:

“But you must be freezing! I just made tea for myself would you like some?”

Suggestion for Excerpt 2:

She realized it might've seemed like she had planned to get intimate with someone. Well, she sort of had but just with herself. So she shook her head and smiled. (period here) “It’s fine. I was supposed to work today but plans changed at the last minute so I wasn’t doing anything special anyways, just watching a movie…” she realized she was babbling and stopped herself from going any further. She then examined his appearance again and exclaimed: “But you must be freezing! I just made tea for myself would you like some?”

Explanation: Idem as above.


Excerpt 3:

She didn’t know if the question was really directed at her and for a moment she didn’t know what to say but probably because of the alcohol taking away her caution, she answered:

“Yeah, I am in love with someone right now.”

Suggestion for Excerpt 3:

She didn’t know if the question was really directed at her and for a moment she didn’t know what to say but probably because of the alcohol taking away her caution, she answered: “Yeah, I am in love with someone right now.”

Explanation: Idem as above.


Excerpt 4:

She blushed and looked away when she replied:

“Yeah I was pretty busy and I had my cell on silent.”

Suggestion for Excerpt 4:

She blushed and looked away when she replied: “Yeah I was pretty busy and I had my cell on silent.”

Explanation: Idem as above.
Author's Response: Thank you Annie ^_^ I know i have a lot to learn with commas but I suppose I'll have to disappoint you when i say i probably won't even try learning the comma rules in English... at least yet. The commas are used at very different places in Finnish and then when i try to learn them in English I start confusing myself in Finnish which is not good. And my national final exams start next year so it's important for my Finnish to stay up to par. (In Finnish messing up the commas takes away a ton of points when in English it's not expected of us yet so I don't have to worry about that) But i will try studying them one day! And I'm glad you liked the story (apart from the comma errors xD) I actually thought about making Mike a jerk... but then I wanted him and Meisa to end up together and I didn't want Meisa to be with a complete douche bag.

yukino78 reviewed Silent Night on Dec 22, 2013 12:32 PM [Report This]

awww...i was heart broken at first, but i'm glad it ended that way. so happy for Meisa. If Mike didn't do that I would dragged his ass down at her apartment and make him apologized naked! LOL
Author's Response: Hahahahaha! Love you, unnie! And that would've made for an interesting alternative ending, no? Mike's a jerk and then his Yuki-noona comes give him a piece of her mind xD Thank you for reviewing!

Anna Clair reviewed Silent Night on Dec 21, 2013 12:10 AM [Report This]

She wanted to talk to him and hear his voice but she didn’t know what she would say. “I love you. Please choose me over your girlfriend” just didn’t seem very appropriate.

Okay I haven't even been in this situation but this sentence just resonated with me so much I have no idea why. I think it's the perfect summary of this story, the way Meisa's feeling in her position and how she's felt even before she slept with him.

And AWWWWWWWWWWWWW man also this is such a crack ship but it's a hot ship I must say. *props* you came up with a pair of very good looking leads (and a good looking Tego to boot! He's like good looks on both sides as Yuya and Yuuko.

Also I was listening to this really melancholic song while reading this story and somehow it just fit so well. I was so happy that Mike wasn't just some other douchebag who was using his troubles with his girlfriend to take advantage of another girl who liked him (or as a way to vent out his frustrations) but I would have done exactly what Meisa did which was ignore all his calls.

(AND AWWW omg! I love how he was so honest too!)

Author you did a good job! *high five* You deserve a really good high five.
Author's Response: I had to google what resonate means xD hahaha. I always learn new words when I speak with you. (Although this technically isn't speaking or even chatting but still!) I always feel so sophisticated when i learn a new word and then I feel really proud when i use them myself. And yeah... I thought that would be how she felt. But it was easier for her to talk to him before the one night stand. Since after it there was no chance he didn't know how she felt about him and that was sorta awkward since he did technically have a girlfriend. And Tegoshi is too damn good looking. How could the universe allow him to be such a handsome man AND a pretty girl. It's unfair! He's got the best of both worlds. *HIGH FIVEEEE* Btw, did you guess it was my story? Since it seems someone did.

YoonEunHyeFan reviewed Silent Night on Dec 19, 2013 09:37 AM [Report This]

nawww this was so sweet, I am glad they ended up together in the end :3
Author's Response: Thank you Tasha ^ ^

Lil Daisy reviewed Silent Night on Dec 13, 2013 08:53 AM [Report This]

so cute ^^
Author's Response: Thank youuu :))

biniBningPunkista reviewed Silent Night on Dec 12, 2013 05:52 AM [Report This]

I seriously thought it was going to be a sad sad christmas for meisa. This was lovely...

Thanks for sharing! ^_^v
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing Shan :)

dove reviewed Silent Night on Dec 11, 2013 12:52 PM [Report This]

nice ending. happy for Meisa! =)
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing ^_^ I hope you liked it!

Uniquemikoto reviewed Silent Night on Dec 11, 2013 12:12 PM [Report This]

Awwwwww that was so cute~
Thank you for the story!!
Author's Response: Thank you, Miko :3
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